After almost 2 years of dating in my adult life, my past and present includes: an ex-husband, several really toxic men, a fuck buddy, lots of good dates and good conversation with decent men, and now one absolute love of my life. I feel like I should sum up a few things about the new self I’ve become. Some things I put actively into place and some that naturally came about to make me a billion times more comfortable in my skin in this whole love thing and has ultimately made the relationship I’m in now, a lot stronger.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m no expert and I’m certainly not in the position to think just because I have a lovely man that I need to tell you how to live YOUR LIFE. I ain’t that smug. I am a work in progress, as we all are. If you see my rules below, you’ll know this is about me. I just like to share in case you think any of this could be helpful to you.
I will never beg someone to like/love/want/need/stay with me if they explicitly say they do not want to. If you want to go, then go. Just like those meth ads: not even once.
I am not and will never be in the business of competing for men with other women, men, or their own personal baggage. I won’t. I am worth not doing that more than any one person is worth trying. If you want me and I want you, let’s do this. End of story. Which leads me to my next point…
I will not expend energy getting someone to agree with me/prove I’m right. I won’t be mute, but it’s become less important to me as I get older to spend any time trying to convince someone with opposing positions otherwise. This includes friendship, love, business, etc. It’s pointless to me. You can only control yourself and how you let people make you feel.
If someone I love has some baggage, I will support THEM working through it, but I will no longer try to fix it for them. I cannot do anything more powerful than listen, isn’t that what we all really want? Why do we waste time doing more when that is always enough?
Weirdly, all of those rules make it so I can love completely and without my guard up, no matter that I can’t see the future. It has made all of this less scary.
If I lose someone I adore, it will not lessen the hurt for me to not beg them to stay, especially if they are important to me. It’s always going to hurt like hell. But I now know the hurt would show me I tried and I did love them completely. If I didn’t feel a thing, then I never really cared either. I don’t want to live like a zombie and I don’t want to live without someone’s full heart either. Both rules take care of each other, in a sense.
Recently on Suburban Bliss, the lovely Melissa said the following about her new adventures in dating/divorce:
“People can be assholes and it doesn’t matter if you’re an asshole, or nice, or stupid, or smart, or kind, or hateful. You can’t convince them to not be assholes. You can’t make them understand the pain they’ve caused you. You have to accept it and move on. You’ll be hurt whether you deserve it or not.”
I agree with this completely in a sense. You cannot make someone love you the way you need it and there will always always always be assholes. In any situation: families, work, relationships, the line at the grocery store. All you can control is yourself. Sometimes you can be an asshole too.
This made me wonder how we survive with that universal truth. Best I can figure, the only way for ME to keep going is to know I do what I can do, I loved, I cared, I adored and I stayed true and loyal. To me first and then it will naturally go outward to people in my life. I’ll hurt sometimes, but I’ll always be comforted knowing I stuck to my “rules” because they make it so I can keep loving, adoring, fully caring going forward.
Because rules, just like hearts, are easily broken, it’s best to hold both in your arms as tenderly as you can in order to keep them intact.