My ex-husband got married on Saturday. I knew it was coming. I wrote about it here. I prepare myself and my daughter all week. I laid out a day of no plans whatsoever to deal with whatever surfaced. Mostly I was okay. Until I saw the pic of their rings and then I cried. I sat on the couch and sobbed for a good 30 minutes.
I started to feel sorry for myself. That no friends had called to check on me, no family checked on me. My sister was still mad at me for not wanting to babysit her kids all weekend, but I don’t normally look to her for support ever anyways. My mother stopped by and when she was reminded of the wedding, thought it was a good time to ask ME about when I’m getting married. (I’m not engaged.) That her ring was beautiful and it was official. I went down the spiral of sadness and why me.
However, my boyfriend was perfect. He was petty about her ring, checking for clarity, he was astounded when I wondered aloud if she had to buy her own ring like I did, he was sweet and there for me and helped clean the house and took me shopping all day. He also didn’t hesitate to buy me a pint of ice cream, as well.
But something between seeing it was official and having him be so sweet to me, I just lost it. Losing it though ended up being a good thing. I sat with myself and told myself to cry. To just feel it. When my dude asked me what was wrong, I told him the truth. That I lied when i said I was okay if we never married, that I wanted it. I was sad that my ex wasn’t as scared as we were to try again. I was jealous that he will get another wedding to remember vs. just ours. After writing all of my memories of our wedding here I realized how awful it was and how many red flags were there.
He listened, hugged me when i asked and got me Kleenex, then got me ice cream later as we watched a comedian on Netflix to end the day. Then I had a friend texst me to see if I was okay. The next day another friend texted me petty things about the pics on Facebook of their rings and made me laugh. (Yes, I know being petty is not a great quality, but I allowed a little this weekend.) I do have good friends, I have a great boyfriend and a fantastic kid (who looked amazing in her wedding outfit and tinted lip gloss-a first!) but most importantly, I’m reminded that I have the skills and a great therapist to help as well.
I am jealous, sure. And did I feel better when I saw pics of her dress and the event and relieved when she didn’t have a wedding I have imagined for myself? Abso-fucking-lutely. Did I die a little when my daughter texted her dad last night and told him: “Good night to my perfect mom and dad.” And when I asked her about the mom thing she said “well, she is my step mom now.” Yes. Yes I fucking died. I have stuff to work through and pain will always exist, but mostly I know I’m actually feeling this and it won’t kill me to feel it.
It won’t kill me to be sad or jealous or mad for a little while and it will end.