Bouncing & Bleeding

After a few weeks of thinking on my session regarding my biological father, I just kinda broke down.  Completely shut it down.  I overate, I over drank, I didn’t want to feel.  And what I did allow myself to feel was the old familiar go-to, my shame for this larger body I have acquired over the past year.  So I started looking into more extreme weight loss: surgery, gastric sleeve, then injections for this new weight loss drug that came out to help with feeling full.  I even emailed my doctor to see if she agreed with putting me on it.  Then, as the Universe so eloquently does if you are open enough to see it, She dropped this author in my lap on the very FB post that I was talking to someone about the injections:

I poured over Women, Food & God and now I’m reading When Food Is Love and when I stop reading for a few days I get really really down so I keep at it and I can’t believe it.  Every word is me.  This makes SO MUCH sense.  Intuitive eating where you aren’t distracted and allowing myself to feel things is perfect.  The first Monday in a long time I haven’t told myself “Okay, starting this week I’m doing xyz.”  No, god damn it, this week I’m going to eat what my body wants following a few rules, I’m going to move as much as I feel like and continue my path of self care.

Self care lately has looked like this: spending every minute of the weekend at the pool or napping, so much so that when I announced that my happy place is a pool my boyfriend thought seriously about installing one.  I guess he likes me to feel calm too.  My kid has been loving it and we are a nice dark shade of brown with sun-kissed freckles and mama is calmer with her too.  Wearing a bathing suit in public as self care when I’m trying to stop Googling weight loss injections feels weird, and I am DEFINITELY faking my confidence lately, but screw it.  Nothing can stand between me and that water and nothing can stop me from forward movement on this path either.

I’m really really really trying to do this right.  Not perfect, but I’m trying to listen.  When I have overate a few times my body has definitely told me a lot quicker.  I’m trying to not use this as an excuse to binge.  Mostly though I’m trying to just quiet my brain.  When i wake up at 3:00 a.m. and start the cycle of negative talk and abuse, I quiet and get to the real cause, even though I don’t always find it.

Last week my therapist said I was lighter and she was proud of the boundaries I set up.  I am too, but my goodness it’s a lot of work and even more so setting them up in my brain.

I will say, my circles are growing so small.  My friends are spacing out, I’m not sharing or letting people share as much with me, I’m not speaking to family as much.  I just feel like I want to protect my heart and energy right now.  I’m confident the right people will stick around with me, but it does feel weird to not be this social butterfly right now.

I turned down a kid’s party this weekend because I was so tired and so was my kid.  I’m hoping the mom isn’t mad, but at the same time it felt so good to nap and play with my daughter in her room instead of running.

Running and surviving only serve me well for so long and really, they didn’t serve me that well ever.



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