Blocked Up


As you can tell from last week’s post that I didn’t finish, and appropriately titled “Unfinished”, I had a full on meltdown after discussing my father at my last session.  It took me 2 days to recover from the binge-eating and drinking I did after that session.  I did not want to feel it.  I couldn’t even write about it.  I was so glad I came to her yesterday.

She advised me to call her if I start to spiral that bad again and we talked about the pain and abandonment that my bio dad brings up.   That I need to feel it instead of medicating it with food, etc.  She asked what I was afraid of and what I was trying to block.  I basically told her I hate feeling vulnerable to either of my parents but that’s all I feel, all the time.  I’m the 13 year old girl trying to get them to notice me.

My main problem is trying to fix other people, and feeling unimportant enough to care for myself.  She made a great point that no one is as important as myself to myself.  People in my life are there because of chance, placement or whatever, but they are separate.  My parents are my parents, everyone has parents.  But they are not me and not as important as me to me.  Found that kinda interesting.

I asked her what I was supposed to do if they die and she said “Why does that scare you?  Everyone dies.  You want to resolve everything and have them accept you before they go.  It’s not yours to fix.  It’s not going to happen and it’s okay if it doesn’t.  You have to give it back to them.”

I spend the majority of my time in therapy being reminded to NOT TAKE ON OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS.  She literally tells me this every time I start in about something I‘m struggling with.  It’s so hard to do when we are taught to survive and be quiet so we don’t cause our parents more stress our whole freaking lives.

I asked her what to do until I was good at not automatically absorbing and she said point blank ‘limit contact’.  She said they will start to act up and panic because I’m not available to suck dry but it’s okay, not for me to fix for them. She also said later when I do have contact they will surprise me by acting the same way again and I will be hurt, but I will be able to not take it on immediately as I go on.

All of this sounds so easy to type out but it’s not in my head.  It’s not second nature to me, yet.

We also spent a ton of time talking about the law of attraction and that we are capable of having everything we could ever dream of, but our mind and our past experiences stop us.

I’m feeling much better and last night I didn’t spiral or overeat or undereat or even drink.  At work I decided to set strict rules about Facebook stalking or anything like that and got at of of work done. One day at a time.


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