NOT FINISHED

An interesting turn of events last night.  I went in feeling much better this week and no real feet dragging beforehand.  I think I’m starting to get to a point where I know this is good for me, this is self care, the ultimate.  Perhaps I’m just in a better state this week too, who knows.  Who cares really!  I still didn’t know exactly what I would talk about, but I knew I had to share a few good news items with her.

For starters I told her about moving my child’s care from my sister to the after school program.  I appreciated that my sister helped me out by picking up my daughter, for which I also paid her, but it did not come without an emotional price most days as well.  Passive aggressive texts, comments and just generally making me feel as though I have inconvenienced her.  I get texts that she’s stuck because of a train, or my kid obviously needs counseling because she has trouble making friends, etc. etc.  Weekly.  This is all a part of my sister’s issues with herself and I’m learning to not take them on, but at the same time dealing with the effects of her attitude and actions towards me and my kid have been draining.  To the point where I have lately just picked her up and got out of there as fast as I could.

A huge weight is lifted knowing she’s moving to school based care.  It’s cheaper, easier and my ex-husband agrees.  So boom.  Done.  And when I texted her to let her know the changes and received the 1-2 phone calls immediately asking if I was mad at her, I just thanked her for her help and let it go.  I was like a proud kid who aced her first spelling test telling my therapist all of this.  She said “I can’t believe you did that!  That is great!”

We talked briefly about how it feels better to not rely on family in any way, that’s it’s better to keep it all business and she reiterated that it’s because family has emotion behind it.  That and you can choose friends and business relationships, family you cannot.

ADD MORE: As a people we are conditioned to think that family is family and you should always remain on their side or with them.  If the relationships are not good, you feel guilty and as you come into yourself and your true self, if it goes against them and they have no tools to let you be you, you clash and it’s toxic.  TEENAGERS

We talked briefly about my boyfriend.  How he is very worried about what other people think of him all of the time.  We are taking my biological dad out shooting in August after a brief visit with him and my man’s comment was “We need to practice beforehand so we’re both really good.”  I was proud that my immediate response was “He abandoned me as a child, so I don’t really give a shit what he thinks of my shooting.”

My therapist always has a great way of letting me know when something is sad to her or she won’t laugh along with me just because I’m trying to lighten the mood.  When I made this comment and I started laughing she immediately said “That is terrible.  He is so worried about what other people think of him he’s paralyzed.”

This led into a great talk about how if you worry constantly about everyone else, pleasing everyone else or making everyone else see you a certain way, you are always pulled and you never feel true to you.

Apparently the universe thought I needed to talk about my biological dad further because I was compelled to tell her the story about how I found out he has bladder cancer.

Over a year ago I had a vivid dream where I gave the eulogy for my biological father’s funeral.  (He’s not dead.)  I woke up and wrote it all down because it was THAT vivid.  This prompted me to reach out to a cousin on that side to see if I could find out if anything was going on.  I hadn’t spoke to him for a few years and didn’t want to freak him out by talking directly to him about death dreams.  She immediately went a little weird and said “Yes, he has something going on medically but we were forbidden from telling you.”

What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

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