Not Starting Over

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My goddess, it’s been so long.  SOOO long.  I’ve decided to come back here to write and get out everything I need to say in my brain somewhere safe and therapeutic.  I can’t promise it’s going to be good writing, but I’m trying to learn to not care about outcomes, just be big and myself.

So to catch us all up…I have been through a lot since my last post.  I live with that handsome carpenter I talked about awhile back.  My child is 7.  My ex-husband is engaged to a decent enough woman that I trust with my kid.  I weigh 40 lbs more than I did back then.  I have a new job, making more money, that I don’t necessarily love but it’s easy and I need that.  I was hired to model and I adored it, so much that I may try to pursue it more and more and that terrifies me.  I have a great group of friends around me in my life that sustain me most days.

What I’m bad at? I’m still bad at mail and communicating.  Giving my kid too much dairy.  Being reactive when it’s unnecessary, procrastinating and not believing in myself.  Assuming negative outcomes.  Being unprofessional at work because I just don’t care to be otherwise.

What I’m good at?  Being brave, loving myself when I jiggle and falter, being a mother, taking care of people, paying my bills, picking out wine, event planning, and sex.

Why am I back here?  I’ve been spiraling for the past year and all of my innate compulsive behaviors have been coming out in full force.  I’ve been overeating, overspending, wanting to make rash decisions and spending time in a dark room in tears on more than one occasion.  I forgot to add to my “what I’m good at” list and that’s “making a plan.”  So here’s my plan: I decided to start seeing a therapist, start taking B Complex vitamins, focus on self care, and start a regular exercise routine that I actually enjoy.

On the exercise front: I quit my gym.  Now that’s not the usual way one goes about it, but I have been cleansing my life of things that don’t serve me.  Paying for a gym membership I had to guilt myself to use wasn’t doing it.  So I stopped.  Instead I invested a small bit of money into some DVDs I can do at home.  When I got bored of those, I bought different ones and now I’m learning dance.  I also take long walks when I don’t feel like doing that.  Changing my attitude about exercise is a steep uphill battle but I feel myself on the incline for once.  What I do know is I have to exercise for my mental health, but I don’t need to do any one set way of moving my body.

On the self care front: I spend a little more money on quality skin and hair products, including facials.  I’ve been practicing using nice make-up. I’ve been purchasing quality clothing and even been a little adventurous with my style.  I’ve also accepted that some days I like wearing cut off jean shorts, my hair in a braid, a ratty tank top and driving alone singing along to CDs, and it’s fine.  I go on long walks when I need to decompress.  I let my kid stay up later on nights I need to be with her or read.  I have been drawing again, which I missed so much.  I go out to eat and to a bar alone and I make my own plans when I need to.

On the therapy front: When I was in a low spiral making my plan I decided I didn’t want to get back on anti-depressants just yet, but I needed to definitely do something.  If my doctor thinks I need to, then I will, but right now that’s not on the table.  I was told about B-Complex and how it’s helping my cousin, so I have started taking that along with biweekly therapy sessions for an hour.  After 2 months, I can say my PMS has been incredibly light with the vitamins.  Here’s hoping.  With the therapy, I got lucky and just in time.

I found a therapist online that is 5 minutes from my house and will take cash at a rate I negotiated because she doesn’t take my insurance.  That first session every molecule in my body told me to run.  Up until I got to her door, in this dark old building that smelled like an old bank, where this tall, thin, gypsy looking, beautiful Russian woman popped out and said “Are you Lulu?  Come in.”  No turning back at that point.

The first two sessions were good but frustrating because I wanted her to give me solutions to act on…of which she called me out on.  She said “You want to do right now, but that’s not how this works and it’s never served you well has it?”  Touche.  Then the third session last week was mind-blowing.  We got into my mother and sister, my relationship with my boyfriend, how I shape my world by believing negative outcomes.  I’m still processing it and have been carrying my journal around for a week, every day in order to write down things I think about.

My homework this week from her was to say exactly what I want, then she’s going to help me believe I can get all of it.

Universe, wish me luck.  I don’t know exactly what I want, but I want it so bad.

-Lulu

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