In Loving Kindness

Marrying young, not really dating a lot and have crushing self esteem issues including having people in her life that didn’t help those matters, does not make for a gal that knows what the hell to do in a new, loving, respectful relationship.  In fact, it makes a girl all sorts of “WTF?”

Thank Buddha I have incredibly understanding girlfriends that want the best for me.  Seriously, these girls sustain me.  I try to tell them as much as possible.

But I find myself asking them things that I feel like I should have known a long time ago, about love, self respect, trusting people to take care of you.  I have a lot of compassion for the girl I was 13+ years ago, even the girl 5 years ago but it’s amazing to see how much can change in a year.

I know 100% that my husband was not a loving person to me ever in our relationship.  We had moments but overall, no.  He’s a good person in his own right but he was not kind to me in the way I needed or deserved.  His lack of self confidence was acted out in ways that hurt me unintentionally to keep me down to whatever level he believed he was at.  I was never cool enough, thin enough, funny enough, smart enough, etc and after awhile I started to believe that too.  Then, thankfully, I stopped.

The difference now is I do not blame him for any of it.  I have my responsibilities for our marriage failing as well.  Just like I come from a line of women that have very little self worth, he came from a lineage of people that did the same thing to him.  Withheld love, or just didn’t know how to unconditionally love and still be confident enough to let the other person flourish.  He didn’t and I think he’s seeing that now.  I hope desperately he is for his benefit and for our daughter and for whatever relationship he finds himself in.

That’s another thing.  I get asked a lot about how I feel that he is in a relationship too.  I was thinking about our daughter’s next birthday party recently and I realized I might have our girlfriends/boyfriends under the same roof.  I was pleasantly surprised to learn it didn’t bother me at all.  Sure I will clean and decorate like a motherfucker & maybe laugh a little louder, but I have no jealousy.  None.  That made me incredibly happy.  I think it would be the same even if I wasn’t with someone.  She didn’t steal him from me, I left him.  She doesn’t affect my relationship with him at all, or with our daughter and I’m actually grateful for that.  I wish her the best.  If he hasn’t done some soul-searching, then I wish her good luck.  She will need it.

I thought I was ready to date right away when we separated.  I put my profile up, I met a few guys randomly but was so terrified and unsure and just grasping for straws and it was awful.  A year later I tried it again and had a completely different experience.  I didn’t meet my soul-mate online but I had lovely dates with lovely men and it was fun!  Everything it was supposed to be.

So what changed in a year?  I guess trusting myself, not relying on the familiar but demanding the best, and being open for good things to happen to me, even when they aren’t.

What I’ve learned is that completely trusting another human being not to hurt you, to know that they have your best interest at heart even when honoring their truth, to feel peace and calm…that’s love.  And I’m in it.  No questions asked.

 -Lulu

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