Coming Home

My god.  The last year of my life has been a whirlwind of emotion, change and personal growth.  Probably more so than any other time I’ve been on the planet.  I’ve left a marriage that no longer provided me what I needed and deserved, I’ve created a group of friends who make me a better person, I’ve found a home for myself, a real home, that I love more than any other place I’ve ever lived, and I’ve supported me and my daughter with barely any money but still managed to make our life work richly. 

I’ve also dated.  I didn’t date really when I was younger before I married.  Marrying at 20 will do that to you.  And when you date at 20, you pretty much just “hang out” at people’s houses, parties, in cars, in parking lots.  That’s about it.  Especially from the small town where we are from.

So I went full hog.  I joined dating sites, I hooked up with friends of friends, I bought a “first date dress” and wore it to my divorce hearing then christened it on about 6 dates with gentlemen.  All of which, barring the one that I am pretty sure was going to sell me into white slavery, were lovely.  They were sweet, nice, kind, I got to eat at fantastic restaurants and have great conversations and meet people with such diverse backgrounds and I got my sea legs.

Little did I know it would all be a year and a half long preparation for meeting the sweetest man I’ve ever met.  Right next door.

I often wonder in amazement at how much life has changed for me.  So fast and all of the work and courage it took to get to where I am.  If there is anything besides motherhood I’m fiercely proud of, it’s how well I’ve taken care of myself in the lsat year.  Even when I really didn’t think I was.  Even when I drank too much, ate too much, let the wrong boys kiss me, overall, I really didn’t.  It’s all part of the process.

We’re brave, beautiful women, my dears.  All of us.  I wish I could go back and tell the girl crying on the floor in the dining room of her big empty new house she can’t afford that one day, one day you will see it was always okay.  I’ll be okay.  It will always be okay on a level you might not see yet. 

If anyone out there is pondering a major life change, divorce, career, whatever.  Do it.  Just do it.  That’s the lesson this year has taught me.  Just fucking do it.  It’s so worth it.

-LuLu

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