You’re Fuckin’ Perfect

“You’re so mean, when you talk, about yourself you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head, make them like you instead.
So complicated, look happy, you’ll make it!
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It’s enough! I’ve done all I can think of.
Chased down all my demons, I’ve seen you do the same…”

I’m at the homestretch now.  Our divorce should be final on Monday.  I’m so tempted to put my Facebook status as “Don’t forget to set your clocks back to 1997 folks, my last name is going back!”  However, for as cynical as I am and a slave to comedy, that isn’t very respectful.  So fuck it, I’ll put it here.  🙂

I’m trying to do some summing up, some sort of “and this is what I learned” but quite honestly I’m just tired right now.  I have a bajillion thoughts in my head and reviews aren’t always my best trait.  But I want to get some things down.  Some truths I’ve discovered in this last year.

Here’s what I know:

  • A song or a picture or a comment can still make me ball up on the couch and cry.  For instance, I was searching for some extra candles I had in a cabinet in the dining room and I found a picture of theEx & I dancing I had tucked away.  As my daughter did find the candles and was climbing all over me “See Momma!  I found em!” I sat on the floor holding the picture doing that thing where we try not to let our kids see us sobbing but we can’t really stop.  So I stood up and put the picture in her room for her.  While this sobbing used to scare me, to make me think I had made no progress whatsoever in healing, now it comforts me that I am truly feeling everything 100%.  I am no longer numb.
  • I have been underestimated for years by people in my life who I thought were the only ones that had my back.  But nothing is worse than how much I underestimated myself.
  • I will never be and can never be someone’s f*** buddy, someone’s casual thing, an afterthought.  Maybe if I go through a long dry spell I might call up an old trusted friend one day, but I will never be to someone what I was to my husband or ultimately, to myself: the background.
  • I’m done worrying about my body being perfect in the eyes of anyone but me.  This has been the most surprising thing for me actually, as I have battled with my weight for YEARS to try to impress my Ex. Though I am not anywhere near a jeans size I was in high school, as long as I work on being healthy, I actually and wholeheartedly am starting to love myself on the outside as much as the inside.
  • My daughter & I are going to be just fine, no matter what.  No matter what bill I can’t pay, what evening I just curl up and watch awful Dora videos instead of teaching her math, what little injustice we endure at the hands of her father…I have her back like noone else.  WE are going to be more than fine, we’re’ going to be fucking perfect because we have each other.

And with all of these things on the above list, I want her to see all these about herself way before she has to go through what I did.

Baby, “Please don’t ever feel like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect.”

-LuLu

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