Dear Theo

This is an open letter to my dearest brother. He will never read this, and I will never show it to him.

You are the product of a lifetime of pain, abuse, and heartbreak. You are collateral damage. You are a combination of mental anguish, poor decisions, and the inability to get help. Our mother could not help you as a child, and you are unable to help yourself as an adult.

You have put yourself in many situations when you could have done otherwise. You are solely to blame for a great deal of your adult life. But whenever I think of you, I only see the chubby little boy with the bright smile and all of those smarts. I only see our baby brother. I don’t see you now at all, because you are a danger to yourself and to others. You are unpredictable, a pathological liar, and I cannot help you.

I am sorry that you were so badly abused and then remained with your abuser. I am sorry that you became an addict. I am sorry that the nightmare that you lived in with others has ended for you only because they too abandoned you, because you made them. I am sorry that I was forced to shun you and live with heartbreak every day that I did. I am sorry that the damage in your head is only as salvagable as you allow it. I am sorry you won’t salvage it. I am sorry that my very typical role in our family both as the oldest but also as the child of addicts and abuse makes me the one who cares the most, or at least the most emotionally. I cannot run away like the other one, or live inside of my head like the other, other one.

We all have a past; we all have issues to overcome, and lives to lead. We have families of our own to care for now. Why you didn’t hop on the same road as us, I will never understand.

I miss you terribly. I will miss you until the day we put you in the ground, if such is the case. I will miss you if you grow into a sick old man, alone and pickled in the brain; if such is the case.  Until then, as far as I am concerned, we are all snug in our beds that we pushed together. We are playing name that tune. You are laughing and trying to take apart our toys, and trying to keep the cat from attacking you. And hopefully you see me as the older sister who held you on her hip, and always held you close.

It’s all we have.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Erica
    Mar 16, 2011 @ 10:24:52

    Sent this to Lulu, but wanted to personally say…

    THANK YOU for writing this!! It really hit home to me and inspired me to write a letter to my sister in a similar “state” and take many parts from it. Yes I did some plagarizing and I hope it’s ok. You said SO MUCH of what I want to say to her yet couldn’t put into real words. I’m not ready to send it to her yet, but intend on it one day. I hope you do the same with your brother. It likely won’t help either recipient, but I believe it will be good to hear and ultimately it shows (we) care… because we really do!


  2. Trackback: Dear Theo, Letter Two « The Crab Bucket
  3. Trackback: Dear Theo, Letter Two « Management of Anger

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