To Make You Feel My Love

Most of the time I can give everyone I truly love and care about such great advice.  I do.  Besides my rack and my blonde hair, the one trait I love about myself the most is my empathy and being able to cater my thoughts to the sensitivities of others.  It makes me a good assistant at my job, a generous lover and a pretty damn good wife and friend, all recent events considered.  For myself though?  Hell, I’m reconsidering if the first sentence in this post is too conceited.  So no.  Aw, it’s not total crushing lack of self esteem, it’s just…

I have a single friend, recently divorced, who is terrified to date, to fall in love, to let go.  Her divorce is different in that her husband betrayed her suddenly and harshly, versus mine where it was subtle over the years and eventually both of us drifting.  I’ve told her a million times to just fall, go slowly because running completely trustworthy towards someone is a luxury we both lost with our first heartbreak, but that I will be here holding her ankles when she goes headfirst over that cliff.  To trust it and luxuriate in it and savor every second.  If it fails, to remember, to hurt is to know it was something worth having. To be in love, to be given the priviledge multiple times in our life?  Well that is more of a gift than I can put into words.

So how come it scares the shit out of me?

I firmly and completely believe that you bring into your life what you project.  If you are negative, that is what will surround you.  I’ve been doing everything I can to breathe, take it a minute at a time, not worry about tomorrow and find an education in every instance.  I’m doing pretty damn good most of the time, but with love?  I’ve not dated much, a few times here and there.  I’ve had feelings for a few people, but I’ve not expected anything more than they can give me back and just enjoyed what I got so I never was disappointed too badly.  It’s served me decently but feels so thin.  But really, I want the whole deal.  I look at other single friends dating and it being second nature for them to trust someone, to have expectations, to have faith.  I’m not quite there yet.  I feel the wall in me up firm and guarded by dogs and weathered soliders from  years of daddy issues and a million other crimes we all suffer at the hands of other people not even remotely qualified to hold our hearts.

I told myself I wasn’t dating until my divorce was at the least filed, at the most final.  And I know I will one day walk out of that courthouse and feel a weird sense of freedom and my life will go as it should.  It’s not the dating thing, that’s not it…I don’t need to date to feel whole.  But separating from my ex-husband and being on my own, I realized right away that I have an incredible amount of love to give someone, someday and I just need to keep remembering that someone is me.



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