Holi-daze

I find myself, on the nights I am home alone without a date or my daughter here or some plans, that I can’t go to bed.  I stay up late, way too late, uncharacteristically late.  I’m not entirely sure why.  Like tonight for instance: it’s 2:00 a.m. for god sake.  I have a house full of people coming tomorrow for Christmas dinner and gift exchanging, etc. but here I sit.  It’s not like I’m frantically cleaning or wrapping presents either.  I flit around the house, clean a little here, wipe down a counter here, move toys under a rug here, but mostly I sit on youtube and look up fiesty women country songs or awful pop songs to sing too.  I watch bad TV or I read.  I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t want to go to sleep and rush away the only solitude I get or if it’s because sleeping alone, without my usual 3 foot tall companion next to me, is too much to bear.  Probably both.

I’m reading a lot about surrendering lately.  Living in the moment, letting go of your anxiety and fears and just realizing this is the moment now and nothing is so oppressive that won’t make sense months later.  Accepting your fate as a journey, etc.  Sometimes this hits home, sometimes not.  Sometimes I sit in my car and some stupid song comes on and all I can do is park my car in the driveway and sob with the car running.  Sometimes I yell out “FINE I SURRENDER YOU ASSHOLE!”  Sometimes I really hope my cute neighbor the carpenter doesn’t hear or see me doing this type of surrendering.

I have a week until the end of 2010.  One of the biggest  years of my life, short of 2009 when I gave birth.  Jesus, actually…it’s sorta been a steady uphill road of crazy since that moment hasn’t it?  Ha!  Anyways, I’m not divorced yet and as this week dwindles down I want to get it over with already more than I can tell anyone outside of this here box.  No, we haven’t filed.  Yes, we could have October 1st.  Mostly this is due to me having to draw up the papers, have them reviewed, save up money to pay for such reviewing and filing and then working up the courage to ask him to sign them to save me the $100 in fees to mail them to him from the courthouse.  Problem is, he wants to work it out.   The other problem is 5% of me does too but for all the reasons I really shouldn’t (i.e. to make our kid happy even though I KNOW I KNOW that logic is flawed).  95% of me is ready and can clearly see that once this is behind us, our lives, all of our lives will move in the directions they are supposed too.

But it is still slowly killing me to give up everything I thought my life would have been like.  So okay here I go.  For all the internet to see (and potentially my Carpenter neighbor if he’s reading) I SURRENDER.  I have no idea what the plan is here, but I’m ready to jump off the cliff and see where I land.  And you better be damn sure I’m going to be really proud of the courage it took to leap.

Time to sleep and then wake up.

-Lulu

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