Cold Red Birds

I haven’t written in quite a while because my heart hasn’t been in it. At all. I have been in a funk for the better part of a year now, with little relief in sight. The last 3 years for me, and my family have been life altering, challenging, depressing, and long. Unemployment, schooling, developmental delays with our son, therapies, career changes, and corporate douche baggery have put me in quite a tight spot mentally and physically.

We suffered yet another set back this past weekend. My husband has a history of back problems and has had two surgeries to show for it. His body gave out on him this weekend and we are back to square one. No work, no school, and quite possibly, no income. It’s not pretty. It just isn’t.

However, in the midst of this latest downturn, I have to admit I don’t feel so defeated anymore. I think that the universe is pushing me to break of out of this funk, this constant shell I have been crammed into, and try to see things differently. I sat down and just tried to concentrate on keeping my mind still instead of wandering off to places unknown on the inside. I say that because in the past few months I have shut down so completely that I actually have a full plan on how to survive the inevitable zombie apocolypse from beginning to end, but couldn’t plan my son’s birthday party.

In doing this I came to the conclusion that I really did just muddle through these past 3 years instead of actually surviving it. I always kind of prided myself on being this human form of the grand canyon. Just let the water take me where I need to go and carve me into shape. I had some ups and downs and a couple of observations and revelations, but the same ferris wheel of shit keeps spinning. The universe keeps bringing me to the same spot, over and over. Obviously, I need to revisit myself before I can get anywhere new.

I am not sure how this is done, but I have some good ideas. I am trying to learn the virtue of being still. Now, I have no problems at all being still physically. That’s a given. But my mind is a spinner. I will worry myself into oblivion about so many things, but never really find a solution. 

Embracing anger, disappointment, boredom and frustration and then letting them go. I love feeling these things, and that’s my problem. I love having layers but they just kind of suffocate me. I was so angry about work, about being the money maker in the family, about my son and his love of hating me, that everything became a chore. The very act of breathing became like a chore to me, and how fucking shallow and mundane is that? It’s just not cool.

My life isn’t a chore. My family isn’t a chore. My job is a chore. But that is so for countless people. After I meditated about this as much as I could, I came out feeling surprisingly calm and collected. Now, this could be that awesome feeling of euphoria before the nervous breakdown sets in. It could be a higher power showing me a lot of mercy and just scaling back the drama so I can make it through this week. I wish I could say I am stealing my husband’s painkillers. But I am not.

I listened to some holiday music with the boy on the way to school and just kind of felt the cold, looked at the trees, and listened to the sounds. It was a rare “in the moment” feeling that helps a day start out nicely and rounds it out successfully. It reminded me of how much joy I get from seeing birds in the snow. Specifically cardinals. Everything is so white and icy and still, until a cardinal flies by and perches on a branch. It stands out, it endures the winter, and it makes all of that white look splendid.

It is a pretty bird year around, but it takes a snow storm to bring out it’s true and fiery beauty.

*Authors Note-I found this photograph online and cannot track down the photographer. It does not belong to me and I do not take credit for it.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ken MacWilliams
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 21:07:28

    Could you please tell me who took the picture of the cardinal? I would like to ask permission to frame it. Ken MacWilliams


    • thecrabbucket
      Apr 05, 2011 @ 12:10:44

      Hi Ken, I do not know who took the picture. I found it myself. I did a search with no luck but edited my post to state that I don’t own the image. Thanks for asking.


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