All the Single Ladies

Everyone, and I mean everyone, even my hairdresser has told me to just “get out there,” “let a guy take you to dinner,” “just have some fun” and eventually I thought “fuck it why not.”  Well, what I found out was that there are a million reasons for why not.  At least, why not yet.

I did the respectable thing first: I cleared it with my ex-husband.  I didn’t ask for permission but I’m trying to be very sensitive to this tricky situation.  I want to keep a friendship with him and I want to be respectful because we are still married technically and I would appreciate him asking me my feelings.  Our kid is the main reason for any of that.  I hold my tongue and check in with his feelings even when I am seething with anger because I will cut off my legs if it means keeping this family a family, separate houses or not.

I also wanted to set some ground rules should one or both of us find some true love one day.  No parading dates in front of our daughter, the dates would know our situation up front, and they would HAVE to be okay with us being friends and raising our kid together or no deal.  He agreed and I knew he would.  A good match for me, maybe not, but an excellent caring father?  Totally.

Plus, I suppose in a tiny subconscious way, I wanted him to say “No!  Come back!  I’ll change!” or show some emotion.  Sadly, his initial reaction didn’t show much concern at all.  Sigh.

So onward to  I uploaded a profile, co-written by BeBe herself, put some decent and realistic pictures of myself on there and waited.  Uncomfortably.  It wasn’t the 50 guys that “liked my profile” that were either shirtless, smirking or emailing me to ask to wrestle, but just the idea of dating in general.  I could tell I wasn’t ready, serial killer dudes or not.  My gut was talking LOUDLY and the alarm bells were ringing.  Still, I’m an ambitious bitch and when I say I’m going to try something, I follow through.

Got several hits of guys I thought were kind of interesting, they could spell, used punctuation and didn’t list “working out” as one of their main hobbies, but mostly it was weirdos.  I had one guy ask if he could drive from Minneapolis to wrestle.  Another asked if I would like to go for drinks but he nicely warned me of his “small package.”  I even got one marriage proposal.  I’m also 100% confident I’m not being conceited, it was just mostly a sausage party and I came with the bun.  In fact, anyone with a bun would do for these dudes.

I emailed back and forth with a couple, mostly guys that lived way too far to actually meet (thank you subconscious), but my overall reaction was a mixture of “FUCK THIS I WANT OUT WHERE IS THE ESCAPE HATCH” and “see how many I can collect & show my girlfriends for fun.”

Then I saw a guy that seemed decent, quiet, interesting, and could spell.  He asked me to a movie and I got all school-girl giddy and went.  I spent the day preparing my outfit, what I would talk about, calming my nerves and when we met it was fine.  I was nervous but after a few emails and phone conversations I felt like I already knew him enough.  We had a good enough time.  The movie was fast paced and fun, the ride to and from were full of conversation, no empty silences.  It was overall, okay.  I pushed away my disappointment at being taken to a movie (clearly he didn’t want to talk to me in person) because he seemed sweet and just as nervous as me.  And honestly, it was okay.  Not head over heels, but okay and I still had my torso on me and not made into a jacket, which was another fear of mine and online dating.

A day later and I’m staring at the phone, over analyzing emails, he’s sending me weird texts and turned 180 degrees from the nice guy at the movies and I realized all too suddenly, I didn’t like this one bit.  I was ALREADY compromising myself for some guy because I was lonely, because he took me to a movie and spent money on me, because he thought I was pretty and smart.  Really?  That’s all it takes?

I quickly realized I started to slip back into the girl that hid in a marriage that wasn’t right for her for years for fear of change.  It was absolutely startling.  I removed my profile online and have decided that until I have reached the end of the 7 steps to grieving I am in no way shape or form ready for any boyfriend hunting.  So who knows, maybe after a year, if the Mayans weren’t right about 2012 anyways, and my divorce is final one day, some guy will sweep me off my feet.  But for now I am closing up shop on this heart and the dating world until I am 100% secure in what I want.

Right now I want just want to crawl back in bed, I’m not done crying.



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. tamalechica
    Jul 10, 2010 @ 10:28:27

    Lulu, you are awesome! You hit the nail on the head, “fear of change.” Obviously a part of you wants to grow, knows that it is time for you to grow and to change your life. I went through the crap you went through during my divorce, which I stuck in way, way, waaaay too long.

    One thing I learned in the journey to transformation is this: Where ever your are emotionally and spiritually, you will attract that same type of guy who is at your level. So if you are in a really low place, that is ultimately what you will bring in, unless it is someone who you find you is there to guide you as a friend only.

    I found that when I was at a really low point after my divorce, the type of guys who would find me were also such damaged goods that seriously, I started to ask myself, “Duh, is this a good idea?” I think this is why we should wait, usually a minimum of 6 months after the divorce papers are signed.

    No matter how much we think we are ready, once the papers are signed and you are officially divorced, you will have more floodgates of emotions coming in. It’s part of the healing process, and you want to take back who you are before involving yourself with someone who will instead try to define you, instead of you defining yourself.

    The dating thing you shared was funny and familiar. One of my friends swore by eHarmony so I tried it. I didn’t make the specifications narrow enough, and you can imagine how bizarre it was to have my mailbox filled with men who wanted to meet me but all looked like they’d be better matches for my grandmother, if she were still alive.

    But what’s a girl to do while she’s waiting to become that beautiful butterfly she was before? She works on herself to gain her own identify back. Check out some self help books — they can often open doors and give us the direction we need to look to become whole again. One of my friends gave me, “What are you going to do with the rest of your life,” and it was a great read to help me jump start myself.

    Wishing you the best on your journey back to finding yourself. Some day you will look back at this time and realize how far you’ve grown. Right now, I know, it just feels like it’s the suckiest time of your life and unbelievably painful, which drives a person’s needy quotient really high. Hang in there, it will eventually get better.


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