Dizziness and Dust

The feeling of being a failure is one of the most common, ridiculous, legitimate and pathetic feelings anyone can feel. We have all felt like failures in our lifetime. Some of it accurate, some it not. Right now, this very second, I feel like a failure. I don’t mean to say I have these ridiculous standards and I am upset that the liver transplant I performed while washing dishes and singing Italian opera didn’t work out like I wanted. It’s not that. And it’s not so much that I am wallowing in pity or want to hear people argue with me that I am indeed awesome and should just chill. Didn’t you ever just feel like one big fail? For at least one day?

Lulu and I talk about The Spiral a lot. You feel like shit at 9:00 a.m. and suddenly everything is out of control. The world is going to end. Your kid is going to be a vagrant because you watched too much reality television while pregnant. Why did you ever kiss that jerk in high school? The dust is piling up in your house. You didn’t think you had clutter but really, you have a lot. The small cup of ice cream you wanted turned into the gallon. It’s 2012 and the Mayans are coming to get you. At 9:00 a.m. you felt like shit and at 5:00 p.m. the Mayans killed you and everyone you love. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Spiral.

Then, there is the end of the spiral, which is The Stop. You just stop. You stop the spiral but you don’t go anywhere or do anything. You don’t cook, you don’t clean, you don’t keep up with much, you.just.stop. You aren’t depressed, you even share a lot of laughs with family and friends and you have some great days. But then you remember that feeling of the spiral and you just stop.

I find myself in newer ground, which I am going to call The Spin. Remember the Sit & Spins when you were a kid? You spin and spin and spin, and when you stop, you are still spinning. That’s where I am at now. I just feel my head spin and see my messy house, my sick kid, my student husband, my job, my commute, my laundry, my, my, my. Typical working mom and wife stuff that everyone in the world feels. I am in The Spin, but I don’t want to be at The Stop. So where to go?

My next step, I hope, is to just be, and have some balance. Don’t misunderstand, everyone I have and everything I work for is more than worth The Spiral, The Stop, and The Spin. And I am more than worth it to just be, and have some balance.

-Bebe

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