Superhero for Hire

2009? What a freaking year…I usually spend my end-of-December making goals, setting a path, examining life and learning, but this winter well, I have been just showing up and seeing what happens.  I admit, I have drug my feet on thinking back over this past year.  It was so huge.  HUGE.  I didn’t know if I should look back and if I did, would I be too overwhelmed?  I was being chicken shit, I admit.

However, Superhero Journal always has a way of making me think about myself and life a lot more thoughtfully and artfully than I usually admit I need to do.  Need is exactly what it is.  I need to do this in honor of this year of my life, if for nothing else.  To honor one of the biggest years I have ever experienced.

Her recent post, Completion Ritual for 2009, got me thinking and on a path to do just that.  2009 was a year of intensity.  There isn’t a better word to describe it for me really.  I entered my last trimester of my first pregnancy, a pregnancy I always hoped I’d have but never allowed myself to daydream about out of fear.  I gave birth to a gorgeous little spitfire who completely opened my heart.  Opened?  Hell, she reached in and grabbed it from my chest Indiana Jones-style and pinned it to the outside of my jacket lapels so it would be exposed to the elements.  So I would feel everything.  Also, sadly yet proudly, I went down to the bottom, the very bottom of despair and halfway back up of one of the darkest periods of my entire life mentally.  I found myself in the process and am fiercely holding on to me as I finish my ascent up to where I want to be.

Everything, every single emotion I felt in 2009 was intense.  There was no room for wishy-washy, no room for blahs or brush-offs.  This was it, man.  This was all of it, all at once, for me to experience.

So here goes my Superhero journey…

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2009?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

Answer: Most importantly, I was allowed to create the life of one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met.  A little girl so excited for everything, so sure of herself and so easy to laugh, that she makes me a better person for knowing her and we have yet to even have a conversation.  A little girl that showed me exactly the woman I always was and the person I want to be.  A little girl that means absolutely everything to me.

I don’t want to dwell too much on my PPD, what I went through, but I always always always want to give myself compassion for getting through it.  I did.  I got myself to the doctor, I got myself to not get in that car and take a handful of pills, I got myself in a headspace that could survive.  Thankfully I was surrounded by people that loved me and wanted me to stick around, but I did it.  Me.  I have never been so brave, quite frankly.  I will forever be proud of this and I will always look back at this time whenever I face a challenge in the future.

I kept a promise to live for myself and take care of those I love.  I am most proud of this.

2. What is there to grieve about 2009?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

If you asked me months ago I would have said my girls’ birth.  It took quite awhile for me not to be disappointed about how it went down.  Now though, I look back proud.  So, moving on from that…disappointing?  Scary?

I’m not particularly keen on focusing on the negative any longer, regretting, that sort of thing.  There are things I wish I would have done differently.  I wish I would have taken care of myself better: my health, my weight, my alcohol intake, surrounding myself with people that really cared about me.  But I’m working on these things now.  Onward and upward I say!

I forgive myself for not feeling more grateful for everything that is already good in my life.  I forgive myself for my jealousy and hateful feelings towards others.  I forgive myself for not putting my needs first always.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

(What is your primary intention or theme for 2009? Is it the year of joy? the year of self-care? the year of partnership? Stand up and say it proud, “2009 is my year of….”

2009 was my year of new beginnings!  After all this looking back, all these new themes and feelings and emotional states in my life I’m pretty sure I went through labor in more ways that just for my daughter last year.

So just to sound like a complete god damn hippie, in 2009 I gave birth to myself.  In 2010?  It’s time to get to the task of raising me up right then.  😉

-Lulu

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