Grateful

Reading through my last few posts I feel like I’m giving a bad impression of motherhood, or that I am not insanely grateful to be given the gift of knowing this little girl.  Then again, maybe it’s that mother’s guilt thing I’m always blathering on about.

I missed posting on Thanksgiving officially by a few days.  Sorry.  However, now that I’m Day 3 into my mini-vacation and first big holiday with the little lady and my husband, I am just feeling schmoopy.  Very schmoopy.  So I wanted to share it with you.

We’ve laid in bed, made food, listened to music in our jammies, played with cousins, been swimming, slept in, read stories and tomorrow she’s going to have Grammy and some extended family all up in her grill giving her some major love (and hopefully not swine flu).

Through all of it I’ve just been able to be present, to watch her soak it in.

We took her to see Santa last night.  Not just any Santa at a mall, but Santa arriving via a frickin’ firetruck while a marching band played, the police shut down the streets and half the town looked on.  Now mind you, she’s 8 months old, wrapped up in blankets, a snowsuit and in her stroller so snugly I’m not sure how she even breathed.  All she could see were the backs of people’s knees but I found myself pushing people aside so I could have her see the backs of Santa’s knees if I could help it.  So she could hear the music and get a first row seat if I could manage.  I wanted her to really savor it, even if she was completely confused.

I talk a lot about how I’m not sure where I am, where my mind is or how I fit into the world.  However, days like these, hell every day since she has been with us…I might not know where I am, but I know where I want to be.  Present.  Always.  Showing her the world.  Right here.

This is where I fit.  Confused or not, for this knowledge, this priviledge, among tens of thousands of things, I am eternally grateful to be here with her.

-Lulu

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