Hilarious & Inappropriate

I have writers block, so let’s get that out of the way now. So, what I am going to do is tell you briefly all that I encountered at a family party this weekend. Unabridged, and as I saw it. I probably won’t need to get too descriptive because this stuff kind of writes itself. Until I can clear my mind and get back to writing, I give you….

My great aunt who is named after a really old ethnic stereotype nickname is probably around early 80’s. She is the salt of the earth, beautiful to look at, still has a phenomenal body and a killer head of hair that she doesn’t dye. She is very crunchy and earthy and the matriarch of our family. She is hilarious, and has a mouth that stops at nothing. In the course of a few hours I heard her telling someone she just met about having her first son in a house in New Mexico. Later, she went to every person in the house individually, some of whom she had just met, to hug them, kiss them, and stare at them, so that she could “absorb them”. Her husband of 60 years introduced himself to her and I told her to go absorb him. They hugged for like 10 minutes. They are not of this world. I am convinced. They are brilliant.  I found out after all of the absorbing was over that sometime prior all of the old kin had snuck down to their RV and shared a fattie. Yes, doobage. And I found this out because my dear friend was playing bean bags outdoors and saw them walk away and suddenly he became overcome with the smells of mother earth’s greatest gift and Polygrip. There was also a rumor regarding tequila as well, but I was busy doing other things so I was unable to substantiate said rumor. And frankly, I am saddened.

After she absorbed people, she then told my ultra conservative cousin, rather loudly, that he was really fucked up. From what I could gather, it was because he didn’t like wheat bread. She told him that farting was natural. She then told him that fucking was natural. And her final opinion was that white bread was not, in fact, natural. She then pretended to smack down her old ass sister in law for supposedly stealing her wine. Sound effects and all.

My mom, bless her heart, got into the “marlow” a bit early in the day. And by “marlow” she means the merlot. And by merlot, I am quite sure she meant Franzia. And by got into it early, it means she probably had two glasses and that was it. She was a goner. She told everyone I had made macaroni & cheese with and-dooly saahsage. She meant I made macaroni & cheese with andouille sausage. She shared that she didn’t like hoomus. But when someone said it wasn’t hoomus, it was hummus, she perked up and exclaimed her love for hummus. The last I saw her, she was trying to tackle her cousin’s wife, a strict vegetarian, with a piece of pork. Did I mention this was a pig roast? Outdoors? In the cold? Paints a picture, doesn’t it?

My second cousin used every mug and cup in the house to make boiled peppermint schnapps with some cocoa in it. Everywhere I turned there were platters set out with massive amounts of pork sitting on it. I felt like I was in Caligula 2, Farm Drunks Boogaloo. I don’t fully understand how 50 people who were born and raised on the south side of Chicago ended up on a farm in the middle of nowhere making jokes about pork and drinking marlow, but they did.

This was just over a couple of hours, this convoluted mish-mash of observation on my part. I am sure there was so much more I missed. These people don’t even try to be anything else but who they are. They all have fantastic smiles and incredible laugh lines, yet their faces aren’t really too wrinkled. Their eyes twinkle, even during the down times. They are exceptionally inappropriate almost all of the time with no effort whatsoever.

My great grandmother and her son, my grandfather both died a couple of years ago. My grandpa was my best friend. He also picked up ladies when we went out together, much to the chagrin of my grandmother, but still. He was my main man. He was hilarious and inappropriate almost all of the time. His mother rode roller coasters until she couldn’t anymore, and did a shot of tequila every chance she got at a family party. She loved to gamble. She was hilarious and inappropriate all of the time. I miss them. But I know they were watching the family, joining in on the fun. How do I know? Because my mom has their ashes mixed together in a pill bottle (appropriately enough) on top of the entertainment center with an epitaph that reads Gram and Dad. Just hangen. She of course means to say just hangin’. But we all know what she means.

Welcome to my planet.

 -Bebe

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