3 Farts and a Funeral

Believe it or not I have attended two, count them TWO funerals where someone I am related to has passed gas very audibly at the service.

The first time my husband’s cousin’s wife (stay with me here) stood at the graveside service of her father-in-law and let one rip.  Mostly un-apologetically.  Only saying a meek “sorry” after her husband scolded her.

This weekend, during a wake, I get up from my seat and leave my daughter with my mom to go talk to family in an adjacent room.  Suddenly one of my husband’s cousins comes up to tell me that my child is nearly naked on the couch with my mother.  I turn around quickly to see the following scene unfolding:

My daughter bare-assed, half hanging head-first off the couch, my mother’s phone ringing at FULL volume, and with one hand she’s trying to answer it unsuccessfully and hold my kid with the other hand.  To paint a better fuller picture for you all I am hearing during this visual is some country song blaring in ringtone format, my kid yelping, and Mom yelling into her phone “Hello!?!” in her best southern accent, while it’s still ringing.  Did I mention LOUDLY!?

Please note: All within 10 feet of the casket and line of people greeting the family of the deceased, my husband’s family.

I yell at her in as quiet of a loud voice as I can muster that whatever the hell situation she is currently in needs to be remedied STAT.  Her response?  She starts laughing and farts 3 times.

I can’t lie, it was pretty awesome.

So me being her daughter and raised from the same stock, took a picture of her with my camera phone as she’s laughing so hard she’s crying, and sent it to as many people as I could.  This included my sister who wrote back “Are you surprised?”

Darling daughter of mine, I apologize in advance for the DNA I passed down to your sweet unsuspecting soul.




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