Creatures like you and women like me.

An open letter to my son.

When you were born, I spent a good amount of time in a fog of sorts. Parenting was not what I thought it would be. I had witnessed life in it’s clearest form. But all I could focus on was my mortality. Death, for me, went from a natural part of life, to a gruesome ever present thought in my mind.

I thought that all of my good qualities would shine through and I would be this earth mother incarnate. Instead, every horrid quality I possess, every vice I ever fought, and all of the self doubt I thought I had outgrown, outrun, or outsmarted had come back.

I realized that I couldn’t ever possibily do right by you. Not how I want to anyway.

You make me nervous.

Was I going to remember when you got your first tooth? The answer? No. You have a mouth full, they came all at once. Did I write it down in a book? No. I am not good at recording detailed details.

You make me feel guilty.

Every time I daydream about running away with a random rock star, or question decisions that I made in the past. What if I had not gotten straight C’s and D’s because I insisted on staring off into space or acting like a fool? Would I have gotten to college? What would have happened if I had gone to prom with so and so? Would I have married that person and moved away to Idaho? I realize that any one of these scenarios would have resulted in some other husband, some other struggle, some other life, and namely, some other baby.

I think though, that creatures like you, and women like me, were made for each other. You were designed to pull out my very worst fears, doubts, faults and demons. They are there now for me to look at them head on, embrace them, shape them, love them and let them go.

I cannot even begin to tell you, or anyone for that matter, that I love you. Love isn’t a word big enough for what most mom’s feel for their children. Whatever it is, let’s call it love for now, it is all encompassing. All consuming. And here is the thing about creatures like you and women like me. I may not ever tell you what it is you pulled out of me. How much you help me every day try to be bold and strong, loving and compassionate, someone you can be infinitely proud of, imperfections and all. I think I love you far too much to ever make you feel that kind of responsibility.

I want you to know without any doubt in your little but ever expanding  creature heart that I will never leave you for a rock star. I will make sure you are secure, safe, and cared for, instead of worrying about what would happen if I died. I will try with all of my mother heart to care for myself, love myself, and make sure the only thing you ever see is truly just me.

Bebe

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Tina
    Jan 13, 2010 @ 04:58:04

    OMG!!! This one left me in tears!! You are an amazing writer!!!

    Reply

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